What I enjoyed most about your essay is its ability to link anthropological study in Nicaragua and a mastery of the Spanish language to the pursuit and projected practical applications of a medical education. Your content demonstrates the breadth of your knowledge, the richness of your experience and the diversity of your skill set. There exist, however, gaps in this information. By generating more content, restructuring your narrative and pushing your analysis, I am confident that you can bring this essay to the next level.

My main criticism is that the narrative itself falls flat. The story you are telling is inherently compelling, and the text should reflect that. The personal statement provides you a unique opportunity to illuminate aspects of yourself that have not appeared in any other part of your medical school application. This statement need not be a chronology of your education or a justification of your recent turn to the medical arena.

I am the first to admit that I am not the typical medical school applicant.

This, your opening sentence, is both a mention of something obvious and a subtly defensive statement. Allow the reader to draw his or her own conclusions. Also, try to avoid statements that other applicants might make. Rather than telling your audience that you are atypical – which, in and of itself, is not very specific – show them how, exactly, you are atypical and why this is a strength.

The introduction is crucial, as it captures the reader’s attention and gives him/her a first impression of your voice and your perspective. In what anecdote would you like to embed your reader? What images from your experience are most captivating?

Moving on, you write:

Though my experience in Nicaragua was fulfilling, I found that something was lacking. I enjoyed helping people through the act of teaching but felt that there were limits to the service I could render.”

Was it fulfilling? What, exactly, was lacking? Most applicants to medical school programs will claim that they enjoy helping people. Why do you enjoy helping people? What is special about it for you? What did you learn from teaching, and what were the limits you discovered? Specificity is critical if you are to fashion a dynamic and individual personal statement. By digging into your story and answering some of these questions, you will unearth the essence of what it is that you are trying to communicate. It is by asking yourself the hard questions that you will elevate your analysis to a level that appeals to the most prestigious medical schools.

Many personal statements fall into one of two categories: lyrical and idealistic, or goal-oriented and grounded. I am confident that you can strike a balance between these two extremes. The story of your brother Sam is touching, but I would recommend mentioning it only once. A common pitfall of medical school personal statements is the, “my family member was ill, and because of this I want to practice medicine” paradigm. I have tremendous respect for what you, Sam and your family must have endured during the course of his illness. Still, for the purposes of this essay, I would recommend making it A story and not THE story. What did you learn from Sam’s illness? How was it a formative experience for you?

With regard to the Sam story and in general, I would like you to go beyond the facts. You communicate the data, but you hold back. Tell your audience more about you. What was it about Sam’s doctors that had an impact on you? Now that you have identified a profession in which you can merge theory and practice, how will you explore the interface between the two? How did your interim year in Nicaragua inform your goals? Rather than simply transitioning from topic to topic, try to integrate them.

Thematically, the crux of your essay lies in the fusion of humanities and medicine – of social and biological sciences. How does this make you a unique applicant? How has this shaped your views? How do you see this playing out in the future, and in what ways will this allow you to contribute to the medical school community? Answering these questions will really help to round out your conclusion and leave a lasting impression.

I have so enjoyed reading your essay. Please be sure to view the mechanical edits I have made using the Track Changes function in Microsoft Word. Writing is, of course, a subjective process. As such, I urge you to trust your instincts, hone your unique narrative voice and incorporate my edits only as you see fit. I hope you find my suggestions helpful. Please let me know if you have questions or would like to discuss anything further. I look forward to reading your revised draft very soon!

Sincerely,

IvyEyes Editor

In a flash, I was back in Somoto. Having majored in Spanish and Anthropology at the University of Virginia, I had moved to this small city in Madriz, the northern region of Nicaragua, to teach English and study the history and anatomy of the local culture. The hacienda where my host family resided was just down the road from the hospital. Each time I passed it on my way to school, I thought of Sam. Were the children there receiving the same treatments he had? Did poor financing and obsolete technology prevent them from getting the care they needed? Or had medicine, even in places like Somoto, improved in the decade or so since I had visited Sam in the hospital?

Gradually, these thoughts occupied more space in my mind than did thoughts about language, culture or even anthropology. I loved the work I was doing, but I was overwhelmed by my curiosity about healthcare. Upon finishing my term in Somoto, I returned to the states and enrolled in UVA’s Post-Baccalaureate Pre-Medical Program. In the year that I have spent studying chemistry, biology and a host of other sciences, I have found my true calling. I have drawn upon my skills of analysis and observation – skills I honed in my undergraduate studies and my field experiences thereafter – but have heightened them by adding to the mix an element of practical application.

To understand the science of pediatric bone marrow transplantation, radiation therapy and chemotherapy is satisfying. To explore the interface between these technologies and an actual patient’s unique body, illness and situation is fascinating. What began as an interest in the culture of developing countries now informs my work as a prospective physician. I have shadowed the top oncologists at University of Virginia Medical Hospital, and closely observed the demands of their careers: constantly learning and evolving alongside technological innovation, caring for patients with terminal illnesses, and addressing diseases which continue to elude modern science.

My expertise in Spanish and anthropology will not only allow me to contribute a unique voice to my medical school community; it will also shape my future as a doctor. Through my volunteer work, both in the anthropological field and in the hospital setting, I have honed an ability to relate to people, and seamlessly adapt to different cultures. In addition to focusing on cancer research and cutting edge treatments in oncology, I hope to expand my clinical practice to undeserved Spanish- speaking regions of America and the world. This will include volunteer work with “Doctors Without Borders,” where I hope to work with like-minded physicians to reach the most undeserved communities in the world. While my academic trajectory has not taken a conventional course, I am grateful for the experiences I have had, and am confident they will bring a valuable depth to my future medical practice