EDITING SAMPLES
GRADUATE SCHOOL ESSAY 1
CRITIQUE - Click to readHello Jim,
I truly enjoyed reading your personal statement and learning more about the forces that have compelled you to pursue this path. Your writing is systematic, authentic and thoughtful, and you convey a genuine passion for the ?eld of statistics. Overall, I think you have provided an excellent foundation that will inform our work together. However, I would like to provide you with a broad overview of suggestions to illustrate how I would like to move forward with this essay, as per our Advanced Editing Service.
First of all, I would like to address ‘?ow.’ Though your content is fundamentally solid, I feel your writing lacks a certain sense of ease, a seamless quality that engages your reader. You will see how I have modi?ed sentence structure, elevated word choice and varied the rhythm of your prose to improve ?ow:
“In 1997, during the height of the Asian Financial Crisis, Korea’s economy plummeted. Many experts suggested a main cause of the crisis was a dearth of objective analysis and decision-making data based on hard statistics. Although the importance of statistics was highlighted immediately after the crisis, Korea as a country has still not recognized the full impact of statistical data on its future.”
I have made minor changes to your syntax and semantics here, but the difference is substantial. The language is more organic, interesting, and ultimately captivating. In the admissions context, this approach is critical. Your job is to create a captivating story—your story—and do everything you can to support your candidacy.
At times, your language and word choice are slightly inappropriate. For example, you write:
“My working experience was very precious for me since it gave me a chance to re-ignite my interest and excitement in statistics and also learn a myriad of social skills.”
This is a subtle point on language, but ‘very precious’ has an emotional connotation that is not appropriate for writing of this type. With this type of writing, geared toward a hard science/discipline like statistics, your language must feel more concrete, and ‘buttoned up.’ I write instead:
“My working experience gave me the chance to reignite my passion for statistics and also build a myriad of transferable leadership and interpersonal skills.”
This sentence does a better at achieving the level of language expected from a personal statement, and also emphasizes how your work not only improved your ‘social’ or interpersonal skills—but your leadership capabilities. For study at the graduate level, this skill set is highly important, and I want to emphasize that in any context, you will prove that you are a driven, self-motivated leader.
There are a variety of mechanical issues that arise throughout your writing. You write:
“Even if it was a basic training course that conveyed fundamental information on statistics, it served as another window through which I once again felt that my enthusiasm for studying statistics never faded away while I studied statistics in order to improve the understanding of others with precise information and lots of examples.”
This is a run-on sentence (with inconsistent verb tense, muddy syntax and redundancies) which should be cleaved into two sentences, or streamlined in order to be grammatically correct.
You will see below I have asked a variety of questions to develop the content in this statement and sharpen your future goals and career vision. For example, you write:
“In doing so, I also hope to transform the common perception of statistics in Korea.”
Do you think it is fair to make this broad claim about Korea’s perception of statistics? What might Korea have done to predict or cope with the Asian Financial Crisis—how might statistical modeling have helped? If you are to make a claim like this, you must be able to intellectually support it—and study at this level will necessitate that you demonstrate this capability. Later in your essay, I want to push you on your career goals. You write:
“Furthermore, I plan to make use of a consulting service that is provided to experienced master’s students… After completing my master’s studies, I will apply for a Ph.D to conduct research that utilizes my statistical knowledge and skill….”
What is this consulting service? What area of research do you hope to pursue? Why will this program be important for your future career goals? For study at this level, it is critical to show a clear, de?ned path (even if it is not absolutely certain!) just to show you are ready to ‘hit the ground running.’ Graduate students are often self-guided and somewhat autonomous, and must show conviction in their career goals. So, I would like to push your thinking in your closing paragraph and really crystallize your future plans.
On a minor note, remember not to reiterate this program’s standards or averages—they are familiar with their own statistics:
“As re?ected by my GPA of 3.67 out of 4.00, that is much higher than the average of 3.43, I took lots of mathematics subjects that are the foundation for various statistics courses in order to enhance my knowledge in statistics…”
The tone here is rather bold, and the admissions committee will evaluate your GPA apart from this statement. Instead, draw a more meaningful conclusion from your GPA—it re?ects that you excelled in your mathematics courses and indicates a readiness for this program.
Per the terms of the Advanced Editing Service, once you answer the questions I have posed within the edited document, I will integrate your feedback into a ?nal, polished revision. This process will take no longer than 24 hrs. Should you have any questions at all regarding any of the changes or suggestions I have made, please do not hesitate to let me know.
Best of luck, and I look forward to hearing from you very soon!
Sincerely,
Editor
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Ivy Eyes Editing
www.ivyeyesediting.com REVISED - Click to readM.S. in Statistics – Stanford University
In 1997, during the height of the Asian Financial Crisis, Korea’s economy plummeted. Many economic experts suggested a main cause of the crisis was a dearth of objective analysis and decision-making data based on hard statistics. WHO ARE THESE EXPERTS? THIS SHOULD BE MORE CONCRETE AND DEFINED. However, although the importance of statistics was highlighted immediately after the crisis, Korea as a country has still not recognized the full impact of statistical data on its future. CAN YOU SUBSTANTIATE THIS CLAIM? HOW MIGHT STATISTICS HAVE PREVENTED THE ASIAN FINANCIAL CRISIS OR AT LEAST CREATED A MORE RESILIENT ECONOMY? To this end, I plan to study a wide range of statistical methods with a focus on time series analysis, so that I can tackle similar challenges that have tremendous economic impact and resonance. In doing so, I also hope to transform the common perception of statistics in Korea.
After accepting a position with INSERT NAME OF YOUR COMPANY, I came to learn the importance of statistics in effectively and ef?ciently managing our work. I was in charge of a project in which I had to reorganize the structure of a mobile stock service that had existed for eight years. After data analysis on consumer-usage service patterns, revenues and costs, WHAT WAS THE REAL IMPACT HERE—CAN YOU BETTER QUANTIFY OR QUALIFY YOUR RESULTS? Even though the analysis utilized basic functions, I made signi?cant headway with the young client, and saw ?rst-hand the impact of statistical data. Furthermore, I knew that through more advanced analysis of statistics, I might have generated even better results. While I was comparing and analyzing the data on projected and ?xed revenues published by the company on a monthly basis, I noticed the forecast logic of projected revenues was too simple to appropriately represent the ?xed revenues. Had we applied a statistical methodology, we might have not only projected more precisely, but given meaningful data to other employees, which would be helpful for their independent work streams. Ultimately, it was a matter for regret that the company did not widely capitalize on statistics to predict its revenue. Collectively, these experiences underscored the integral, practical application of statistics in the business world.
My working experience gave me the chance to reignite my passion for statistics and also build a myriad of transferable leadership and interpersonal skills, both informally and formally. At INSERT NAME OF COMPANY, I helped one of my co-workers prepare for his MBA midterm and ?nal exam in statistics, and even volunteered to train my colleagues on statistical analysis for a six-sigma initiative. Even leading this basic training course served as another valuable window through which I once again felt my insatiable curiosity for statistics. Plus, I learned how to effectively train and collaborate with others, and truly take the leadership role on a project. I ?rmly believe that these dynamics provide invaluable training for my studies at the graduate level, where open communication between students and professors is essential for productive, challenging dialogues and groundbreaking research. HOW COLLABORATIVE IS THE CULTURE/RESEARCH ENVIRONMENT AT STANFORD—HOW WILL THIS BE AN IMPORTANT, TRANSFERABLE SKILL?
From an academic perspective, I am also well-prepared for achieving my goals. As re?ected by my GPA, I excelled in the mathematics subjects which are the foundation for statistical analysis. WHAT WAS YOUR MAJOR—HOW WILL THIS COMPLEMENT YOUR GOALS? As an undergraduate, during marketing class, I statistically analyzed data that I obtained through a survey conducted on the impact of advertising on consumer spending. Later, I grew deeply interested in statistical modeling and data analysis while I established Korea’s in?ation and call rate models during the class “Time Series Analysis and Econometric Analysis.” Currently, I am studying C language and C++ which I ?rst learned during my undergraduate years, along with statistical mathematics (single+multivariable calculus), linear algebra and matrix theory. Finally, following the advice of my father, who is a professor of statistics at XXX, I am also studying real analysis and differential equations, in order to supplement my existing knowledge and make the most of my graduate level studies. WHERE IS YOUR FATHER A PROFESSOR?
The importance of statistics in our everyday life ignited my passion for the discipline, and leads me to study at the graduate level. Stanford will provide me with rigorous, balanced training in statistical theory and practical application, and also develop my insight through various research topics and seminars. WHICH SEMINARS INTEREST YOU AT STANFORD? WHICH PROFESSORS’ WORK? BE SPECIFIC. Furthermore, I plan to make use of a consulting service that is provided to experienced master’s students so that I may improve my decision-making and clarify my career goals. After completing my master’s studies, I will apply for a PhD to conduct research that utilizes my statistical knowledge and skill. CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT YOUR LONG-TERM GOALS, EVEN IF THEY FEEL RATHER HYPOTHETICAL? WHAT TYPE OF RESEARCH DO YOU WANT TO EXPLORE? WHAT IS THIS CONSULTING SERVICE AND WHY IS IT A MAJOR BENEFIT—WHAT CAREER PROSPECTS MIGHT EXIST? CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT HOW THIS PROGRAM WILL DEVELOP THE SKILLS NEEDED FOR YOUR FUTURE CAREER? WE MUST SHOW YOU THIS PROGRAM WILL GET YOU TO THE NEXT PHASE OF YOUR ACADEMIC AND/OR PROFESSIONAL CAREER.
.BEFORE REVISION
M.S. in Statistics – Stanford University
When Korea went through the Asian ?nancial crisis, many experts pointed out that one of the main causes of the crisis was a lack of objective analysis and decision-making data based on statistics. Although the importance of statistics got spotlight right after the crisis, it is true that the society hasn’t still fully taken advantage of statistics. That’s why I would like to study a wide-ranging subject of statistics in a more systematic and detailed manner with focus on time series so that I can help improve decision-making in various ?elds that need statistics. Furthermore, I want to contribute to transforming the common perception on statistics in Korea.
While I was working for a company, I came to learn how important statistics is in effectively and ef?ciently managing the work. Even though the analysis was a basic one using basic function, I made a great achievement and felt how important statistics is. In addition, I thought that if I had utilized more advanced analysis of statistics, I could have generated a much better result. I also found out that while I was comparing and analyzing the data on projected and ?xed revenues published monthly by the company, the forecast logic of projected revenues was too simple to appropriately represent the ?xed revenues. If we use statistical methodology, we can not only project more precisely but give meaningful data to other employees, which will be helpful for their work. Besides, it was a matter for regret that the company didn’t capitalize on statistics in predicting its revenue. It was these various kinds of experiences that enabled me to recognize how essential statistics that I had came across as a theory only during class is in our daily life
My working experience was very precious for me since it gave me a chance to re-ignite my interest and excitement in statistics and also learn a myriad of social skills. I helped one of my co-workers in MBA course in Korea for his mid and ?nal exam of statistics and volunteered to train my colleagues for statistics knowledge required for a six-sigma movement that the company pushed ahead with. Even if it was a basic training course that conveyed fundamental information on statistics, it served as another window through which I once again felt that my enthusiasm for studying statistics never faded away while I studied statistics in order to improve the understanding of others with precise information and lots of examples. Plus, I learned how to work together with others and communicate better as well as leadership skills in taking charge of a project. I ?rmly believe that my experience will give me a boost so that I can complete my graduate course, in which interaction between professors and students or between students and students is active, more wisely and ef?ciently.
From an academic perspective, I am well prepared for achieving my goal. Right now, I am studying C language and C++ that I learned before during my undergraduate years along with statistical mathematics (single+multivariable calculus), linear algebra and matrix theory that I took during my undergraduate period so as to improve my computer skills.
Following my father’s advice who is a professor of statistics, I am also studying real analysis and differential equation, which I didn’t take in college that might be helpful for studying statistics. As shown by my GPA of 3.67 out of 4.00 that is much higher than the average of 3.43, I took lots of mathematics subjects that are the foundation for various statistics courses in order to enhance my knowledge in statistics. In particular, during marketing class, I statistically analyzed a data that I obtained through a survey conducted under the subject of the impact that advertising has on consumer spending. I got deeply interested in statistical modeling and data analysis while I established Korea’s in?ation and call rate models during the class of “time series analysis and Econometric analysis.” I am con?dent that my academic preparation and interest in statistics will lay the foundation for my achieving my goals after I get admitted into a graduate school.
The importance of statistics in our everyday life and my passion for statistics leads me to a graduate course. I am sure that master’s degree program in statistics in Stanford University will be the best place for me to accomplish my goal. Especially, it is very attractive that in Stanford not only can I learn theoretical matters of statistics through balanced programs between statistical theory and practical applications but also develop my statistical insight through various research topics in probability and statistics that a weekly seminar deals with. Furthermore, I want to take a Consulting service that is given to experienced master’s students in that I can improve decision making of others based on my statistical knowledge which is in line with my career goal. After completing master’s course, I will apply for P.D for a research on interesting ?eld with my statistical knowledge and skill.
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